my correction
My comments

Some people regard increasing business and cultural contact between countries as a positive development. Others, however, feel that this will lead to the loss of national identities.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Your introduction:

Most recently, whether increasing business and cultural contact between countries is a positive development stimulates wider discussion. Some people consider it as a beneficial trend, while others believe that this will lead to the loss of national identities. Let’s delve into both perspectives before giving my opinion.

Paraphrase

After a dependent clause ‘Most recently’, we should not start an independent clause with the subjugate ‘whether’. Find the proper subject instead.

比如：
Increased business and cultural contact between countries have caused widespread debate. One group considers it to be a mutually beneficial trend, while an opposing group believes that it will lead to a loss of national identity.

Thesis

Don’t say ‘before giving my opinion’. Just list write out your opinion.

比如: This essay delve into both perspectives and argue that traveling is not only beneficial, but educational as well.

Body 1

Remember that the prompt wants you to [Discuss both views]. So I see here that you are discussing ‘increasing business and cultural contact’ here.

You have a good mini-thesis but it’s a run on sentence.

Your body 1:
The primary purpose of boosting business and cultural contact between countries is to promote the economic development and let people enjoy all kinds of culture form different countries over the long haul,which can improve people’s happiness. In addition, by increasing business and cultural contact can produce more job opportunities, such as translators, workers, which reduce extremely great job pressure in our society. Many people have more chances to go abroad to broaden their horizons and acquire more knowledge about this world. Most importantly, students who want to go abroad for further education can have more chances to be admitted by their ideal university, which help them have a better life in the future.

可以这样说:
The primary purpose of (boosting/encouraging/increasing) business and cultural contact between countries is to promote economic development and let the citizens enjoy the others’ culture. Over the long haul, this improves happiness.

Be care of run on sentences. Also, you need to define ‘workers’ because its very broad. For example, translators is good! It’s very specific.

可以这样说:
In addition, by increasing business and cultural contact, the respective countries will create more job opportunities such as translators, laborers, and corporate talents. This economic exchange will greatly reduce job pressure for the people.

可以这样说:
People will have more opportunities to travel abroad, which gives them a worldly education and as a result, broadens their horizons.

Most importantly, there may be students in the host country who are tired of being stuck in a hypercompetitive academic environment. By investing in exchange with a partner country, those students can enjoy more scholastic choices offered by the partnership.

Body 2

Remember that the prompt wants you to [Discuss both views]. So I see here that you are discussing why we SHOULD NOT have an exchange.

You body 2:
On the other hand, a quantity of people think that this will lead to the loss of national identities.They think that after most people eat the same food as the other countries and wear the similar clothes for a long period,they will think all of people form the world are friends and have no ethnic discrimination.By exposing the culture from other countries or being sent to the overseas to get education when people were young,they will have different ways to consider their life styles and study habits,and then learn form each other.

I’m not following your logic. You’re saying:

1) After people eat the same food and wear same clothes as citizens from other countries..
2) Think that people all over the world are friends
3) This world has no ethnic discrimination
4) “they will have different ways to consider their life styles and study habits,and then learn form each other.”

Then? How does it discuss why WE SHOULD NOT have the exchange?

Where’s your opinion!? Do you want more exchange? or less exchange? why?

In conclusion,I believe that increasing business and cultural contacts between countries has many benefits ,which not only improve individual development and happiness ,but also solve a variety of problems in society.

Evaluation

Task Response – 4
One part of the prompt is addressed (should exchange).
But the other side (should NOT exchange) is not clear.
Did not give personal opinion (body) either. It is stated in the conclusion, but I need to see the body about it.

Coherence – 5.5
Writer has stated some good points on why we should exchange. But the part about “loss of national identities” is not clear. I don’t follow at all.

Lexical Resource – 5.5
discrimination
long hual
delve
primary
habit

GRA – 5

Lots of run on simple sentences.
Mostly continuous tense, and present simple.
Wrong usage: a quantity of people, all of people

4, 5.5, 5.5, 5.5 = overall 5